Welcome to the Storm: Part I

Welcome to the Storm

A week ago Thursday, I hit burnout for the first time in my life. Full-blown belly cries, staring at the ceiling, asking myself, “What in the hell am I doing with my life?” (More on that later.) So what did I do? I cleared my calendar, had some conversations with my wife and some very close friends and then…I decided to start a newsletter (and some other things). I figured having a creative outlet might help me reflect on life’s challenges and wins, process some emotions, show gratitude, and maybe even resonate with someone else going through it.

Let me be upfront: I don’t have a plan for this, and I’m good with that. If it feels a little scattered at first, that’s fine. I’m not here to force anything. I’ve learned that trying to control outcomes only adds pressure. Lessons learned—I’m applying them here.

For now, I’ll just share my story as I navigate life, personal discovery, and entrepreneurship—all while chasing something we all want: fulfillment.

If anything resonates, email me. Tell me your story, ask questions, whatever. Let me know if there is anything you’d like me to write about or hear more about. Vulnerability is a superpower, and I’m happy to dig into this shit with you. I’ll also share songs, books, or anything else that’s hitting me in the moment. Links are at the end.

What’s with the name?

Picture this: I’m in a small boat, alone, getting battered by relentless waves. Sharks are circling (yes, my biggest fear), and I’m scared to fucking death, fighting like hell to stay afloat. In the distance, there’s a lighthouse cutting through the chaos, and beyond it, a faint glimmer of sunshine. That’s what keeps me going…knowing that I will get there if I just keep fucking going. That’s what life has often felt like to me.

On the outside, my life might look great. Bills are paid. I’m in good shape. I have an amazing, beautiful, supportive wife. We own two rental properties in Ohio. My net worth is solid. I have the freedom to spend my time as I choose.

But on the inside? It’s fucking chaos. Better than it used to be, but still chaos.

Here’s the best way I can explain it: my brain is a pinball machine on fire, played by an overstimulated spider monkey on an acid trip. Add to that the emotional battle between who I am now and who I used to be. Guilt, shame, and grief show up almost daily, especially at night. Sleep? Hahaha rare. My logical brain knows I’ve changed and can’t rewrite the past. But damn, letting go is so damn hard for some reason. Still, I push through. Every day, I’m working to calm the chaos and build the life I’ve always dreamed of.

It’s not easy. Some days, it feels impossible. But I refuse to fucking quit. And when I really zoom out, as tough as it gets, my problems feel small in the grand scheme of things. I’m grateful—for all of it.

The Man I Used to Be

Let’s talk about the man I used to be. He was a fucking mess and some may say, a piece of shit and many times I would agree. For years, I hated him. Hated what he did to the people he loved. Hated his lies, his selfishness. I wanted him gone. During one meditation, I imagined him strapped to a board in a padded cell, writhing in pain, and I put a round through his head. No remorse. I felt incredible afterward…for a while. But like the cockroach he was, he came back.

Eventually, I realized I couldn’t kill that version of me. He’s a part of who I am—just like cockroaches are part of life, especially in the South (don’t even get me started on that, there are way too many fucking critters in the south) I had to accept him, forgive him.

Look, I’m all about ownership. No excuses. You’re responsible for your life. But I also believe there are deep-rooted reasons for why we do what we do. That guy? He was wounded. Survival mode was his default setting. He’d been through things as a kid that left scars too deep to see. Those wounds festered into toxic behavior, emptiness, and self-loathing. It became a cycle: feeling dead inside, doing something reckless to feel alive, sinking deeper into the void. But I am not looking for empathy…like I said, I am all for ownership. I made choices. I am responsible for them. I could have gotten help sooner. I honestly just lied to myself a lot too and said I would do better but I didn’t. Not for way too fucking long.

Breaking the Cycle

In 2018, I hit my breaking point. I was so sick of myself that I decided to change. I threw myself into books, podcasts, anxiety meds, and brutal workouts. But nothing really worked. I realized I wasn’t missing a checklist or therapy. What I needed was purpose. And I had no clue how to find it.

By 2022, everything came to a head. My parents had to put down Houdini, a dog we’d adopted. Losing him cracked me wide open. Suddenly, I couldn’t repress the pain anymore. I admitted for the first time that I couldn’t handle it. I’d thought about ending it all, but the thought of the pain I’d leave behind stopped me. I refused to let the man I used to be keep me from becoming the man I wanted to be. I made a choice: burn it all fucking down and rebuild from the ground up.

The Turning Point

On March 12, 2012, I started a well-paying, stable job. Ten years later, I walked away from it. I left security behind to pursue self-discovery, entrepreneurship, and a life I could look back on and say, “Damn, that was worth it.” I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I figured there was no way it could be worse…I was right.

That’s where I’ll leave it for now. Next time, I’ll share more. But remember this: If I can get up every day, face the storm, and keep pushing forward, anyone can. You’re not alone—even if it feels that way. I’m here, and so are others.

Song: Sleep Deprivation - YouTube This came on last Friday after I hit burnout. Kallie stopped me and said, “Jesus, did you write this song?” It hit me right in the feels. I’ve listened to it at least twice a day since.

Book: The AI-Driven Leader This book was recommended by someone I respect. The fact that I’m reading about AI—a topic I used to hate—shows how much I value their opinion. It’s strategic, which challenges my creative brain, but I’m learning to embrace tech as a tool.