The Battle Within and The Weight of Connection

Cold, Gloomy, and Grateful

Well, we’re back to cold weather here in East Texas. But from what I hear, I’d much rather be here than in other parts of the area getting absolutely wrecked by winter storms and flooding. Life’s all about perspective. That being said, I will show this 50-degree, gloomy-ass day some gratitude.

Dream Office Vision

Writing from the couch today. For some reason, my office hasn’t really been feeling like a creative space lately. That’s why I’ve got my dream office on my vision board. Think a cross between Tommy Shelby’s office in Peaky Blinders and Don Draper’s in Mad Men. Minus all the booze and loose women, ya know???

Only problem is... those are two totally different styles and eras. But both are masculine. Both feel right. Both feel like spaces where I could get lost in deep thought and incredible conversation. There’s gotta be a way to combine elements from each and make it work, right? Eh, I’ll figure it out. Plenty of time.

Also, I want a conversation pit in my office. The big seating areas you step down into. Fits the Mad Men aesthetic, but it’s also something I’ve been obsessed with since childhood. My aunt’s boyfriend had one, and I thought it was the coolest damn thing in the world. My dream is to do a podcast from there and call it Conversations from the Pit. Great conversations with great people. Smoking, laughing, sharing. Keep an eye out for it in the next 3–5 years. Hold me to it.

Lessons from the Mat

I’ll be honest—I think this is my fifth time writing and rewriting this section. Originally planned to write about my jiu-jitsu tournament last weekend, but no matter how I framed it, something felt off. Maybe because I was so damn dehydrated, exhausted, and jacked up on adrenaline that the whole thing felt like a blur.

Short version: I barely made weight, competed in a state that was not conducive to winning, and lost both matches. Small wins? Hit my first takedown in competition (lat drop) and dominated my second match overall—until I lost at the end when it mattered most. My game has improved, but that only goes so far when I’m running on fumes.

Going into the tournament, I thought this might be my last one. Now? Hungrier than ever. Time to crank up training and show up like I know I’m capable of. Like they say, there are no losses in jiu-jitsu—just wins and lessons.

The Eternal Battle: Instinct vs. Divinity

Two things have been rattling around in my brain. Well, two interesting things. The rest is just the endless noise of daily life.

Before you read this, I want to be clear—I’m not justifying shitty behavior. I’m just thinking through why it happens, from a spiritual perspective.

So, this whole good vs. evil concept—does it actually exist? Are there truly evil people hell-bent on destruction? Do they enjoy it? The surface-level answer is obviously yes. We see evil shit happen all the time.

But here’s where my head is at. Humans are complicated as hell. We are animals—biologically wired to survive, breed, protect. But we also have consciousness, which puts us in a constant battle between instinct and divinity. That’s what makes being human so damn hard. Modern society doesn’t make it any easier. Jobs, relationships, social media, sex, drugs, the government—it’s all competing for attention while we fight our own internal war.

Now, think about young men. Testosterone raging, brains wired to breed, fight, dominate. But society tells them: Be a good man. Date one woman. Fighting isn’t worth it. That’s a real battle. Not an excuse—just reality. And when there’s no rite of passage to guide them into manhood, things can get messy. Some men evolve and become strong, grounded leaders. Others don’t. And I believe that’s a spiritual process.

If our souls are here to evolve over lifetimes, then maybe the truly “evil” ones are just… unevolved. Again, not saying I want to hug a serial killer or high-five Hitler. Just saying that the best way to help souls evolve is through love, growth, and accountability. Because sometimes, accountability is the lesson they need to reach the next level.

Curious to hear your thoughts. If nothing else, it’s an interesting conversation—and that’s what my soul is here for, lol.

The Weight of Connection

Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by relationships. (No, not Kallie and me—we’re great.) I mean all the other relationships in my life.

I’ve been insanely blessed with incredible people—high school friends, cousins, college buddies, jiu-jitsu friends, former coworkers—the list goes on. It’s honestly mind-bottling (yes, that’s a Blades of Glory reference, I know it’s “boggling”).

But with that comes the weight of it all. I want to show up for everyone, but I can’t. Some people say, “Just stop reaching out and see who still reaches out.” And yeah, I could. But… it still weighs on me. I think about so many people daily, yet some days, I just don’t have the energy to pick up the phone.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have siblings. Maybe I’m scared of losing friends and ending up alone. Just Kallie and me in a big, empty house. And maybe that’s what scares me about our challenges with pregnancy, too. Because what’s life without love? Without deep, meaningful connections?

Or maybe I’m looking at it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to concentrate my love on a few, rather than spreading myself too thin. I don’t know. But I do know that carrying this weight gets exhausting sometimes.

Curious if you’ve ever felt this way. Open to insights.

Alright, that’s enough of my random thoughts for now. If anything resonates, let me know. And as always, thanks for reading.

Kyle.

Book: Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss – This book changed everything for me spiritually. If you read it, you’ll see the connection to my thoughts above. Recommended to me by my incredible friend Lena when I was struggling with the concept of death. Life-changing. My second most recommended book after Extreme Ownership.

Song:Darkness   by Nolan Taylor – Not gonna lie, this song is depressing but also incredible. My friend DJ took Kallie and me to Nolan’s show for my birthday a few years ago, and it resulted in two big, bearded, tattooed guys bawling like babies. That’s how hard this song hit. Check out the rest of his music—he’s phenomenal.